Caring for Aging Parents You Don't Like
| By: tonia boterf Whether our parents abused us or were mean to us or we perceived we were not loved as well as we needed or as we should have been, idea of being around your aging parent is problem not one of those things you want to do. Your idea of your life may be very different than your siblings or what other family members know. Your parents may still be treating you in less than a positive way. Even with the negative emotions you feel and not want to be around your parents, you may still have a part of you that is still hoping that maybe something has changed; maybe they'll recognize that they had done something wrong or that they had hurt you. Hope that your parents will say they are "sorry". You may also feel obligated to help in some way, to assist your parents in their later years. Don't expect anything to have changed. Some elders do become mellower as they age but they may still be critical or unpleasant behaviorally towards you. In fact, as we age, we depend more on our long term memory and thus the elder is more likely thinking or remembering events of long ago. Many elders become bitter with age too or are not able to say they are sorry or even realize that they may be saying things that truly hurt a person's feelings. Many caregivers deal with a great deal of verbal abuse, some physical abuse, mean criticisms and remarks, name calling and more. It this is true, why would anyone continue to care for a parent that behaves like that? Because you still have some love for them and probably, some hope that things could be different. If you are going to be around or provide caregiving services to a parent who abuses you, you need to create your toolbox of protective mechanisms. How do you protect yourself? 1. Close your ears to what you are hearing and focus on positive affirmations about yourself, in direct contrast of what the parent may be saying. Realize that you are a good person, that you are being a good adult child and helping and doing the best you can and let the rest roll right off of you. 2. Make sure you have a tight and positive support system and utilizing the frequently. 3. At times, you may have to just walk away and take a break. This is not abandoning your parent but rather discharging a situation, giving you room to calm down and your parent to move on to something else. Take breaks frequently - I am not a smoker but I would take my 'smoking break' just to have a few minutes of me time. 4. Don't bother to get into arguments with your parents. It is extremely unlikely it will do any good at all. Changing the subject to something of interest of your parent, tell a joke or mention something humorous. Get your parent a drink or something to eat. 5. Your parent may indeed realize that they hadn't treated you well but it is too hard for them to say that, it is easier to continue to behave the same way. If you have an idea that this may be the situation, take a chance to engage in a heartfelt conversation of how you feel about what's been done and how you feel now and don't expect them to say anything. If they listen and don't get negative, then I'd take it as a good sign. 6. If your siblings don't know how you feel, you may want to explain something's about why you can't do something's and what you are willing to help with. This avoids conflict with your siblings to a great extent, even if they don't agree with you. Example: I was the black sheep of the family but yet the one turned to make sure things were done. My sister and I view our lives in very different ways, yet by discussing it enough so understood the other, we were better able to work together in the final care of our parents. Most importantly too, it has make a world of difference in our relationship after our parents deaths - something I never would have expected. There are times when the abuse or your feelings are so negative that you just can't be around your aging parent. Find a way to help out via other ways without the actual interaction. You'll still know you did your best to help your parents. If you have or had a negative relationship with your aging parents, it can get extremely more difficult to try or want to provide help in their elder years when they need assistance. Do what you can tolerate, have coping mechanisms to use and help/support others who do provide direct care. You can help from afar, if need be, but it is OK to still remember the good times and that no matter what, they were your parents and you still have some love for them somewhere inside. Your parents will be gone soon enough, don't let any opportunities go by that will leave you 'I wonder if' and try to make peace with them but most importantly, within yourself. When your parents are gone, their gone and you'll have to be able to go on and hopefully, in a more positive mind set. About the Author: Tonia Boterf - The Practical Expert(TM) 617-895-0249, is a Certified Life Coach, Holistic Health Practitioner and LSW with 25+ yrs of experience. Offering free & affordable sessions, quality e-books and articles. Try a FREE coaching session and get relief. 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